Hellsing I Hate Everything
by roo17
Summary: Crack fic. Enjoy. Many more chapters coming up!  Not good at summaries  Alucard hates that people don't cuddle, he hates yappy dogs and their owners... Let's face it, he hates a lot of things. As does Seras and Integra. :D


Hellsing- I Hate Everything  
Chapter 1: Passwords, Pizza, Beds, Dogs and Cuddling.

**Okay so there will be many, and I mean **_**many **_**chapters of this. They will each include multiple stories, up to three or more. These I Hate… Statements are from a book called I Hate Everything by Matthew DiBenedetti. (I'm also making one of these for One Piece and Final Fantasy VII. They'll be put out within the week. So go read them!) So without further ado, let us start the first chapter…**

**Warnings: May include several different pairings in different chapters.  
XxXxX**

_I hate that I have to keep changing my password. _

Seras looked over her shoulder, in her coffin, behind her table, outside her room, under her rug, on the side of her chair, in the corners of the room and on the ceiling. She saw no signs of her master anywhere and sighed, feeling slightly hopeful. She logged onto her computer and and clicked on an icon that looked like a book. As she clicked on it, the cover of a dark blue journal appeared and opened to the first page. It looked like so:

Seras Victoria's Journal  
DO NOT READ!  
Please enter password:

Seras clicked on 'file' then 'new password'. She typed in her old password to verify it was indeed her, then typed in her new password quickly. She had to keep changing her password everyday now for the past week. She knew her master was signing into her journal almost everyday now and was reading her entries. She clicked on a new page and typed in the date and time. Then she continued onto her actual entry.

_'Dear Journal,  
__Well, had to change my password… again. I don't know how master does it, but he always seems to know my password! It's weird… and creepy. Well, anyway, had another fun conversation with Pip before my mission. He always makes me laugh and smile. Seems like he's the only one that's slightly normal here in this mansion. (Except for the fact he's sorta a pervert.) Tried to kiss me again too… that's the fifth attempt I think. Aw wait, it's the third. Oh well. Mission went well today. Master did his usual 'I'm-so-better-than-you-vampire-chip-ass' thing and killed most of the ghouls. Thankfully Anderson didn't appear this time. I didn't want to see master be decapitated… again. Well, gotta go. Bye journal!'_

She saved the page and clicked out of her journal before going to see Integra who was calling for her. She left the room with a smile, knowing her master wouldn't be able to get into her journal this time.

The next day came around and before she knew it, it was already eight at night. She clicked onto her journal and signed in. '5 3 6 2 8 1 0'. It opened up to the last paged made and she paled.

_'Hello Police Girl. I must say you have the quite the boring journal here. Your passwords are so easily found, no matter how cautious you are. (By the way, you should really clean your coffin. It's starting to smell disgusting in there. And your ceiling is filthy, scrub it clean with a mop or something.) But don't worry, I won't be going into your journal anymore unless I want to bore myself to sleep. And I wouldn't let that Judas Priest decapitate me again. Or do you think he's better than me? (Such a shame that you should think such things, Police Girl.) And by the way, stop pretending you think Pip's a pervert. You know you want him. ~No-Life King._

Seras's face turned bright red as she finished reading her master's entry in her journal. She then stood up and turned around, unable to process things correctly.

Sometimes, her master could be such a jerk.

**XxXxX XxXxX XxXxX**

_I hate that I always get stuck with the small piece of pizza._

Seras, Integra, Walter, Pip and Alucard were all standing around five pieces of pizza that were in the pizza box. It wouldn't have been a big deal if all five pieces of pizza were big, but there was one small one… and no one likes to be stuck with the small piece of pizza. They all looked at each other closely, none willing to give up their big pizza slice. Integra spoke up first.

"I'm the head of Hellsing, I say I get a big piece of pizza. Walter gets one too, seeing that he has indeed been a loyal butler to me all these years." Walter gave her a bow.

"Thank you, Sir Integra." The two walked off with their big pizza slices. Now Alucard, Seras and Pip stood around three pieces of pizza in the pizza box. Pip looked from Seras to Alucard, who seemed less than interested about the whole deal. So, bravely, he reached in and grabbed a big piece of pizza when he met Seras's expression. She seemed as if she wanted an explanation, so he gave her one.

"I'm the captain of the Wild Geese. I need more food to stay healthy and command such rascals or they'll run around the place like headless, well, geese…" He slowly slipped away with his piece, leaving Alucard and Seras standing around the two pieces of pizza left in the box. She looked up at her master expectantly.

"Well sir, since I'm the fledgling, I think I should eat more to stay strong and stay loyal to you!" She smiled and reached for the last big piece… only to find it gone already. She looked at Alucard who was holding said piece of pizza in his hand.

"Too bad, Police Girl. You weren't fast enough." He walked with the last big piece of pizza, leaving Seras standing there by herself.

"But master! You don't even eat pizza!"

"You're right, I don't. But I won't lose to someone like you in a challenge." Seras sighed and sat down, glancing over at the small piece of pizza in the pizza box.

"What are you looking at." She slightly glared at it before eating in within two bites. _'Police Girl, did you know that the sausage on that piece of pizza was green earlier until someone dropped in the dirt?'_

She nearly gagged it back up as Alucard chuckled to himself.

**XxXxX XxXxX XxXxX**

_I hate waking up on the wrong side of the bed._

He had a horrible sleep. Just horrible. One of the worst he ever had. And he was supposed to be going to a mission right away, at this very moment? Well then, if that was the case, whoever ran into him on the way there would not live to see another day. Alucard got out of his coffin and sighed. He walked out of his room to meet Seras at the front door. As they met, she waved at him, a horribly cheery smile on her face. "Hello master!" Her voice was too cheery for her own good. As they left the mansion, Seras seemed to keep on talking, putting Alucard in an even further worse mood. "The weather's nice tonight, isn't it, master? This cool breeze feels chilly but it's not all that bad once you get used to it. I hear it's gonna rain early in the morning tomorrow, maybe there will be a rain-"

"You idiot. The weather is _not_ nice, the breeze is _gone_ already so _quite_ bringing it up, I could _care_ _less_ that it's gonna rain early in the morning tomorrow since I'll be _asleep_ in my _coffin_." He growled, shutting the police girl up immediately. _'Someone apparently woke up on the wrong side of bed.'_ She thought. _'Police Girl.' 'Yes, master?' 'Shut up.' _Seras squeaked in response.

_I hate it when people ask me if I have._

They continued to walk through the streets and down the road when some man walked over to Alucard and accidentally bumped his shoulder. "Watch it," Alucard snapped. The man, obviously drunk, raised an unsteady eyebrow at the vampire and held up his hands.

"Wow, sorry man. Did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or what?" The man had no chance of dodging the bullet that was embedded in his skull. (Or was it now embedded in the road?) With his gun still smoking, Alucard leered at the corpse.

"Who's on the wrong side of the bed now?" He didn't bother in putting away his gun, for just over the next hill was their vampire target. Seras had never seen Alucard kill a vampire and an army of ghouls as quickly as he did that night. And she also learned that when her master was having a bad night, to just stay far away from him as far as possible without referring to anything with the word bed. She didn't want to end up like that poor drunk man who had no idea what hit him.

**XxXxX XxXxX**

_I hate dainty, yappy dogs._

It was one of those rare days when Alucard felt like walking through the park down the street. So after a quick goodbye (Integra made him leave his guns at the mansion for the public's safety), he headed straight down there. The sun was out and shining bright, but Alucard was wearing his hat, shading his eyes from the sun. She walked around the park and eventually found a nice shady spot under a tree with a bench. It was there that he just sat there relaxing and people-watched for hours. He would see some very interesting things there. About fifteen feet to his right was another bench with a young man sitting there. He was doing his work and didn't even notice a small squirrel with a nut by his feet. At first, Alucard had a comical idea that the squirrel would _throw_ the nut at the man, then run away laughing. But to his disappointment, nothing happened. But an older man did try to call the squirrels attention by clicking his tongue. The squirrel didn't look, too caught up with its nut, but the young man looked up. Alucard smiled as he read the young man's mind. _'Are you serious? I'm less focused then a squirrel?'_ Yes, yes you are.

Next he saw a young mother, maybe around twenty-five or so, with her blond daughter at the slides. Apparently the mom was telling the small girl to come down so they could go home. But the little girl didn't like that, oh no. She stayed on the top of the slide, begging her mom to stay at least ten minutes more. The mom threatened to not give the girl brownies when they got home if she didn't come down that instant. The threat seemed to work, for the little instantly slid down the slide and walked with her mother to their car. 'Humans are such strange creatures.' Alucard thought.

He also saw a homeless man digging through the trash across the park. The man wore a torn up olive-green jacket and a gray beat up gray shirt. His camouflage pants too had holes in the knees and elsewhere. Eventually, the man gave up searching for whatever it was that he was looking for and left the park with a tan cat following him. Yes, human were indeed strange.

Lastly, he saw a twenty-three year old blond walking her two dogs. She was blond, wearing a very short and tight silky pink dress with a pink feathery hat that was way to small for her head. But Alucard's attention was all on the dogs. They were a poodle and a chiwauwa who were barking their little heads off. Alucard frowned. Their barks were so small and loud and high and annoying. She saw Alucard and took a seat right in next to him, her dogs smelling his leg. _'If even one thinks about peeing on my leg, I'm gonna kill it.' _He hated small dogs, to him there was no point in having them. If you were to get a dog, get a big one, like a lab or a retriever or _something_. (No offense to poodle owners or chiwauwa owners!) He slowly scooted away from the woman, but she scooted closer. "Hi," she smiled. Alucard rolled his eyes.

_I especially hate their prissy owners._

"Hello," he replied under his breath. She smiled. He especially hated their owners. They were the ones who thought they were all high and mighty and could get whatever they wanted. And right now, this girl wanted to make a conversation with him. If only Integra let him keep his guns…

"It's a nice day out, isn't it?" He could hear her sassiness in her voice. Yep, she was a rich bitch alright. (One again, if I manage to offend anyone, I'm terribly sorry. It was NOT intended at all!)

"You could say that…" It was quiet for a while and Alucard hoped she would just stand up and leave already, but she stayed put.

"So, are you from here?"

"Yes, I am."

"Oh that's cool, so am I. That's a nice hat, mind if I see it?" Of course she didn't really want to see that hat. She just wanted to know what his faced looked like because you know what they say, if they have a sexy voice, they have a sexy smile. (Wait, is that what they say? Huh, oh well.) Alucard slightly leaned away from her.

"I'm sorry, but I don't take off my hat in the daytime. I can't allow any sunlight on my skin…"

"Oh," she said. "I understand, a lot of people have that. So, what's your name?"

"Al."

"Well hello Al. You single?"

"No."

"Aww, too bad." She pouted, but he still caught a glimpse of that gleam in her eye. "Well maybe y-"

"No, I won't go to your room with you and no, I won't pretend you're my girlfriend." He was getting annoyed now, her and her stupid little dogs were ruining his entire afternoon. He stood up, she followed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you are anything. It's just that I-"

"Listen, I'm not interested okay. I don't like you or your sad little dogs so just walk away now." She 'humphed' and stomped off, her little dogs following right behind her. Alucard sighed and sat back down when another person sat next to him. It was the homeless guy from earlier.

"Women…" The man said, shaking his head.

"Tell me about it…" Alucard muttered under his breath. The two sat there until dark and finally left when the park closed. Alucard returned to the mansion and met Integra at the front door.

"So, Alucard, how was your day?" He smirked at her.

"Quite interesting. It's a good thing you took my guns from me, I would have had a blast silencing this one woman and her two yappy dogs." Integra rolled her eyes and walked away.

"Alucard, you say that _every time_ you come back from the park." He smiled.

"True and Integra… Don't ever get a poodle as a pet."

"I'll think about that."

"You do that then."

**XxXxX XxXxX XxXxX**

_I hate that not everyone likes to cuddle._

Anderson didn't even see it coming. At first, they were at each other's neck with their weapons, the next his enemy was latched on to him in a tight embrace. He really couldn't process this until now. He tried to push Alucard away, but he couldn't really move his arms with the way Alucard was hugging him. "What the hell! Get the hell off of me you foul monster!" He growled, but the vampire just let out a chuckle and a sigh. Seras and Integra also sighed and the priest looked to them. "What the hell is doing?"

"He's cuddling." Seras sweat-dropped. Anderson's eyebrow raised and he still struggled to break free.

"Cuddling?"

"Yes, Alucard loves to cuddle. He already tried cuddling with everyone at Hellsing."

"Ge the hell off me, fucking freak…" Alucard still had that grin on his face, but seemed to able to pout at the same time.

"It's such a shame that not everyone likes to cuddle…"

**XxXxX**

**Okaaaaaay, so yeah, I know they all didn't turn out quite like I wanted them to, but oh well right? So I hoped you liked it and I hope you're all looking forward to the next chapters! Thank you for reading!**

_The darkness I liveth, the darkness I love,  
__~roo the vampire._


End file.
